ENORMOUS DREAD of parents aging…WHY DO I DO THIS TO MY PARENTS? (I am an adult).?
I am 26 years old and was raised mostly by my dad. I saw my mom once a year for two months and now I live 1500 away from them (they live in different states). I dearly love both of them but I really hurt my parents feelings because:
I never get to see them and didn’t for most of my life but love them more than anything. They are my ONLY family – just my mom and my dad. It is shocking to me to watch them age. My mom is 55 and my dad is 67. My mom is married to a man in his 70s and I have noticed that over the years, she has mentally assumed his age, even though her husband is 20 years older than herself. She acted like she was 60 when she was 40 and now that she is 55 she acts like she’s also in her 70s. My dad acts younger than his age but it is still really hard for me to see them age. Every time I see my mom with her hair in the “old white lady afro-type” hair-do, it bugs me because it makes her look like she’s so old. So, I tell her that (I am bluntly honest – I realize this is no longer the way to communicate with my mom but it is the way I prefer to be communicated with so i assumed she would prefer it too). At the same time, I offered to take her to the salon and get her a makeover and pay for a new hair do. So we went and she came out looking like she was 30 again – my mom is really hot when she tries. She looked so goregous – of course I told her that and gave her tons of compliments – as did like 5 random people that day. She looked so young and full of life. This year (I still SADLY only get to see her once or twice a year), she had totally let herself go again and was looking like her husband’s age. So again i offered to take her to the salon and she adamantly refused and did not put one ounce into “getting ready” the entire time I was there. She really looked awful and it was sad. What bothers me the most, more than seeing the physical aspect of her aging, is the mental effect – my mom is totally mentally convinced that she is in her seventies (although she admits she is only 55). I at least want her to act and feel young; be active, maybe go to a “silver sneakers” class – workout class for 50+, or even start going to a card or movie club with her friends. It really bothers her when I try to change her (I know they say you aren’t supposed to do this). I also do this to my dad – I buy him cologne that the young guys wear, I get him supplements that are anti-aging supplements, etc…anything to help mom and dad look and feel young. I realize that this hurts their feelings but I do not mean for it too. I think the reason it bothers me so much to see my parents age is because it subconsciouly reminds me that they are my only family and that when they are gone, I will be all alone in this world and won’t have them. My mom and dad are all I’ve got. Additionally, my mom’s husband had numerous serious and debilitating health conditions that are slowly and miserably killing him and I associate those partly with his age. I NEVER EVER want either my mom or dad to go through that kind of misery and demise. My thinking, is that I try so hard to make my parents seems young for these reasons. Is this normal? I think it is somewhat selfish but how is a person supposed to handle seeing their parents age. I don’t get to see them often so when I do the changes are very dramatic. (All of a sudden mom walks with a cane, all of a sudden, dad’s hair is comletely white)… I think I should just stop trying to change them, I guess they don’t appreciate it – (someone helped me make a major change in my life and I am a much happier, healthy person now because of it so I don’t think it is always a bad thing to want to help someone change for the better). What is your take on this? Is it normal to absolutely dread the thought of your parents getting older? How can I accept this and deal with it? Thank you!!!
You are aksing a lok of things here, I’ll give u my advice. Your parents are individuals, they lived for many years b4 they had u, have lived a long time with each other or with other people.
If they choose to wear white shorts with black socks, that is theiur business. if they choose to have blue mohawks, that is their business. THey are adults. Just like when u turned 18, they had no business anymore telling u to change your hair or your clothes or who u hang out with, give them the same respect.
I would move closer to them I would find someway somehow to be able to see them alot more if you don’t do it now one day you will more than regret it. There is always a way and you just have to make the time. If you really try you can make the time and how about having her come out to see you sometimes if at all possible and the same goes for your dad.
Aging is a natural thing nothing to be sad about and your mom is probably really stressed over her husbands age and medical issues that she just does not have the energy or time or want to fix herself all up and go out and do fun things.
Sounds more less kind of like a depression she probably won’t stay like this if her husband is as bad off as your saying once he does pass she will probably go back to her normal self.
But I would worry about none of this what so ever if I were you I would figure out more ways to see them more and make more time in some way.
i know what you mean i feel the same way about my parents it just hurts me so much to feel like they are going to leave me her alone and i need them so much even though i don’t show it..and i think yes you are doing the right thing but try to leave them be and try to visit them more often it will make you feel more closer to them because of what you want to and i think your a good person just try to be close to your parent that helps them a lot..good luck =]
I understand what you are saying, but just like you said they are getting old, so are you, once you get their age you will see a lot of them in yourself. it could be that all the things you’re trying to get your mom to do really don’t interest her…one of those been there done that things. I’m 59 and around the house I might look like crap but when it’s time to go outside of the house I know how to do it…you know she could be tired, having to take care of someone sick can be hard on her. and if you are her only child maybe she’s missing you too. I would suggest that you try and visit your parents a little more than you do! . You might be surprised how much that would help.Oh remember one thing, the only person you can change is yourself you need to be grateful you still have them.